I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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