She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize