Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
