mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
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We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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