I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
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This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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