the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
