I should be sponsored by Trojan
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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