When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
