I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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