he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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