I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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