It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
