I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Are my feet made of real feet?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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