her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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