Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
