she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
