Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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