she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
