Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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