I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
