you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
