I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
