Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
