"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
