No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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