R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
