I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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