Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
