the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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