My liver just broke up with me...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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