I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
