Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Life is so much better after having sex.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
