I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
