so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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