So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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