How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
