I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
