Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
