i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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