I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
