I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.