Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
