We're facebook friends in real life
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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