By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
