I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
