Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
