yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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