when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
