she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
