just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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