oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
