i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
